L.G. And J-BO, Part One.

28 November 2011

Okay, so if you've listened to the show, then you KNOW that I only surround myself with geniuses. As such, each conversation I have is the latest best conversaton ever.

Aside from myself and Captain Awesome, there are several persons in my life that are saving the galaxy, invisibly, with pure wit.

One such man is my dear friend J-BO. I actually suggested posting our conversations long ago, but with so many single-moms and BBWs in my area and online right now, waiting to meet me...a guy forgets shit, ok?

We only talk once in a while. Why only once in a while, with the ease of communication that the internet provides?

Look down, asshole! Because It is cosmically impossible for shit this good to happen every day.

P.S. I have edited out a few names and other details, so that I can feel all spy-like and shit. On the other hand, most typos and non-sequiturs are intact. DAT HOW I ROLLLL.

> J-BO: sup man

80's song go

> LG: HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF

> J-BO: fuck yeah

> LG: Musically perfect, as is Rock the Casbah

> J-BO: Lyrically perfect

I'm unemployed and I like it.

I eat with coupons

which if you aren't doing you are wrong

> LG: get it done with GRUPONS n git back to me

> J-BO: Groupons fucking sucks dick

> LG: or bitcoins lol

I just heard about it, no idea how it works

> J-BO: Do you have txting? its the new way to eat.

> LG: Seriously though, you can just bebop into a soup kitchen and get fed, just wear a scuzzy hat

WTF is txting

> J-BO: Text Messagin

I eat for like 1 dollar a day

> LG: oh, to get specials you mean?

> J-BO: Yes

> LG: this might work...the only thing keeping me out of the soup kitchens is that I like my own cooking (and not having scabies). ...But I'm flexible

> J-BO: I smoke and eat for free

i just need free alcohol

> LG: how you getting free tabacco

> J-BO: Some girl at a bar who was promoting camels hooked me up

> LG: you could conquer Nevada with a racket like that

Me and #### gave some camel promo bitch fake names and addresses and got 2 packs of crush each...FUH FREEEeee

> J-BO: I got 2 cartons free nig nog

and her number

so now i follow her to bars

and get more

> LG: LOLZ what is "nig nog?" St. Ides?

> J-BO: Idk it's the non racist version of nigger i guess

> LG: dude is this a cougar of fuckable constitution because you’re rapidly approaching being my hero

> J-BO: She's not a cougar she's probably like 22 and she is ok i guess

She is not very nice though

> LG: OH FUCK,

neither are you, man! This is PERFECT!

> J-BO: Haha hell yes i never thought about it like that.

You hungry tonight?

free meal

Waffle house

Free meal

Carls Jr. 1.50 combo

BOOM

ITS OVER

> LG: So WAIT A MINUTE--you two go to bars and just be surly and you score FREE SHIT?!?

> J-BO: I didn't really do anything they just approached up

but then i was surly

and needed to keep the scam going forever

and she said she didn't give a fuck just txt her and she'd say where she was

It will one day end i'm sure

but i have a lot of unsmoked ciggarettes for just that time

> LG: wait a sec - so the food deals are the bitch?

> J-BO: Yes man the food deals are really where it's at

No bullshit Its cheaper than cooking your own food

> LG: no, I mean the food deals are coming from this broad, or what?

> J-BO: oh no

That's just me

> LG: Dude I am saving this convo and am gonna post it on the site.

> J-BO: It should change someones life

Some unemployed smokers life.

> LG: Fuck me running, I need to get this straight:

bitch just wants to give you free shit?

...for hanging around?

> J-BO: Alright so she works for camel or something

> LG: what is her deal bra

> J-BO:And isn't losing anything herself

So she doesn't care

if that makes sense

It's not like it's coming out of her pocket

She probably has to pass out a certain amount of these or something

> LG: she could give free cigs to any urine-soaked fuckbag out there...but she choo-choo-chose YOU

> J-BO: It sounds better than what you are making it out i think lol

I'm txting her and asking her what bar

and she just tells me

> LG: so wait, are the free meals just Cyber Monday only?

> J-BO: nooooo

i've been doing it for like a month

> LG: BRAIN = OATMEAL

> J-BO: my food bill since [this month] is around 100 dollars

and i bought a ham for thanksgiving

> LG: dude WTF is going on? How can they do this?

> J-BO: they want you to go in

> LG: ppl are gonna catch on and kill this thing in like 2 days

> J-BO: a lot of times it's like just a free sandwich

bring your own drink eat the sandwich

> LG: F L A S K

> J-BO: Exactly

> LG: Buhahahahaa ahahah

> J-BO: It won't be killed because people think well i get this part free so i don't mind buying this part

well i say fuck that

i get teh free part and leave

if it is a deal that is like "buy a drink get a sandwich"

i don't go

I get about 10 txts a day

I signed up to around 100 places

> LG: so when are you gonna fold this bitch over

--I mean, make sweet love to her

> J-BO: I don't think she's in to me at all reallly

> LG: BULL SHIT; first free cigarettes, THEN she kicks down the beave! That's how it works

OR DO I NEED TO DRIVE OVER THERE

> J-BO: I'd much rather have free ciggarettes than fuck it up

> LG: GaaaaaaaaaAAaaaaahhhh brilliant

> J-BO: Tagged.com and Plentyoffish.com and OKcupid.com if you want to meet a girl

> LG: dude only #### can work that and not get pigs

> J-BO: anyone can

just throw anyting you think you know about talking to girls out the window

everything

if it seems wrong

say it

> LG: oh man you're giving me like 10 different flavors of hope over here

I think I'm...happy.

> J-BO:

seriously everything

just almost be an idiot.

> LG: Oh FUCK I can do that

> J-BO: way too pushy (only online though; don't want to go to jail), don't compliment no matter what, and belittle like a motherfucker

But belittle like an idiot would belittle

--not like belittle their spelling (which is always atrocious)

because that turns them away

but if they like a band or something

> LG: I...just might do this.

> J-BO: ok

> LG: Hell, I replied to an ad in Craigslist to be a BDSM master

> J-BO: good

look at their profile

> LG: I might have what it takes

> J-BO: 4 year college? No go. Community college? Perfect.

Run their music page against a top 40 list

more than 25%? perfect

Fast food job? Perfect

Work for their parents? iffy

Set your self up for success

why didn't you get that job

> LG: wait a second--you just want me to get HPV huh?!?

> J-BO: Nooooooooooo

> LG: Well I want it so no offense taken bro

> J-BO: You probably already have HPV anyways tho

> LG: Bullshit I don't have any flaws or defects of any sort. THE UMBRELLA CORPORATION DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES

> J-BO: you are the 1%

have you written an article about the fucking OWS fucks yet

> LG: Buaahahhah, that's the REAL 1%

I’m starting one

> J-BO: yes it is

some dumb fuck bitch who was not making a political statement posted the other day "Why are 99% of everyone retarded"?

i was like yep OWS

> LG: BURN...so which website is best out of those 3 you gave me? I have limited time

> J-BO: OKcupid for sure

> LG: I prefer to focus all my lies onto one strategic point

> J-BO: if you want someone 100% guarantee

> LG: OK cool.

> J-BO: search for someone with their number in THEIR profile

it happens

> J-BO: and it's a guarantee

> LG: Hah--another 99%...dudes on these websites, that is

did you ever get into #########’s bra

> J-BO: No

oh you need to add her

that was what she said when i was saying by

bye

"How am I going to stay updated on [LG] now?"

> LG: you sonofabitch I told you to get you some of that

OH I GONNA FIND HER

> J-BO: She's on facebook

> LG: I got more angles on this than Hanover Fist

> J-BO: ##### ###### incase you forgot

> LG: Pshhh

> J-BO: You are her favorite person ever

> LG: CORRECT

You wanna do an episode of da fraudcast sometime?

> J-BO: yes

> LG: coo

Aiight man I will let u know how it goez

don't get a job for like a year or more

> J-BO: Update me!

I have one :(

> LG: you lying fuck

> J-BO: I don't start til the 5th

> LG: where/what

> J-BO: #####

> LG: Oh fuck how

> J-BO: I just applied for everything

oklahoma has a good job market right now though

> LG: how the hell do you qualify for that shit?

pay= ?

> J-BO: I don't think i do

43k

> LG: O WHAAAAT

dude that's like fucking TARP money in Oklahoma

> J-BO: Especially if i eat fo' FREEE

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