Attention, Males: You've ALREADY lost...to the KING of DUDES!

17 Sep 2011

Many modern men are hopelessly swept up in a maelstrom, or a MALE-strom, or an MMA-elstrom if you will, of hopeless, petty posturing and hard-talk.  In the presence of other men we puff our chests, straighten our backs, bulge our eyes and chug toxic energy drinks the color of irradiated space-piss, in the desperate hope that we are doing it better than that douchebag sandwich over there by the fussball table.

These males can --and often do-- achieve the titles of "Bro," "Man," "Dog," and "Holmes."  Enviable as such call-names may be, such one-sided males generally cannot hope to achieve the greatest title of all:

DUDE.  

Being a dude is not taken lightly, especially by other dudes.  To achieve dudeship one must be wary and yet confident, smart and yet just goofy enough, and non-confrontational in general, but able to put up a decent fight if need be.  The road to dudedom is windy and treacherous; many men opt to simply veer off and try to monopolize one or two of these crucial traits, rather than put the time in to achieve blanket mastery of them all.

However, even dudes themselves cannot escape the primitive lures of "manly" competition, as dudes will often try to out-dude one another...which goes against the main principle of dudeworthiness: naturalism.

Confused yet?

It doesn't matter, because whether you're the Dude on the couch, the Dude with the Bronco, or the only Dude in town that can score tickets, Dudery has been around for much longer than you think. 

...And it's already been mastered.

Figure ED-209: Don't even try.  You cannot pull this off.

Evander Barry Wall, born 1860, was a "New York Dude" who at some point was crowned the "King of Dudes."  After reading materials on Mr. Wall I realized two important facts:

Fact # 1: Although originally meant as another term for "well-dressed and/or city slicker," It is not clear what the fuck a "Dude" really is or is supposed to do.  For me to put in it modern terms with such a limited foundation, I am forced to conclude that "Dude" means "Extraordinarily Sharp-looking Social Ninja."

Fact # 2: Evander Barry Wall was so good at whatever fact # 1 is, that he became King of the Dudes.

...Is there anything more manly than this?  (Hint: it's not beer pong).

From Wikipedia comes some important bullet points.  Evander Barry Wall:

• Owned a race horse at 16
• Inherited 2 million dollars -- in 1880s money
• Led a "Cafe society"
• Owned over 500 trousers and 5,000 neckties
• Was asked to leave a Ball because he wore a white dinner jacket when tailcoats were required.  In other words: He was too much of a BALLER for an ACTUAL FUCKING BALL.
• Actually attended something called "Battle of the Dudes" and defeated his opponent with HIP-HIGH, PATENT LEATHER BOOTS.
• Defeated another pretender to the Dude throne by changing clothes 40 TIMES between breakfast and dinner.
• Never saw doctors and never drank water -- I am pretty sure Chuck Norris does BOTH.
• Left only 12 grand upon his death, having "squandered nearly every cent on pleasure."

In the most Dudeliest fashion imaginable--and this is where he surpasses all the fake dudity that we see today--he apparently wasn't a douche about any of it.  He out-blinged all his opponents, simultaneously harnessed and served all his senses, and was ultimately grateful, seeing it as his "last duty" to thank God for it all.  He even had the bad-assery to say "the God I believe in," not submitting any of his awesomeness to someone else's camp. 

GODDAMN.

We've been trying to co-opt the true concept of "Dude" ever since...and failing.  So give it up, assholes;

YOU'VE ALREADY LOST.

    SUCCESS.                  FAIL.                  FAIL.                  FAIL.

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