Charlie Sheen Apologizes for Attacks on Entire Universe

Mar 03, 2011

The media frenzy resulting from Charlie Sheen's recent commentary on the most important modern issue--his self--has prompted him to make apologies for his attacks and presumed superiority to everything in creation.  By urinating on 11 small rabbits and burning them alive on a stone altar as an offering, I was able to coax Mr. Sheen out of his galactic trans-dimensional slumber for a short interview.   

He has vowed to immediately slay me after the interview, which at first scared me, but then I realized: Charlie Sheen never wastes anything, and he will most certainly devour and absorb my soul--allowing me to, at long last, be a part of something that matters.

LG: It's a pleasure to finally speak with you, Mr. Sheen.

SHEEN: Your burnt offering has pleased the Sheen.  The scent of smouldering death invigors the Sheen.  The Sheen will speak with you now.

LG: Thank you.  Many people have taken some offense and are concerned with your recent comments in the media.  Is there anything that you would like to--

SHEEN: The Sheen does not explain or ask permission for what it does. 

LG: Okay, well--

SHEEN: HOWEVER, you have invited the Sheen with methods that entice him.  Urination upon rodentia highly excites the Sheen, as it is similar to his own gestures of greatness above mortal men.  As you relieve yourself on lesser animals, so does the Sheen rain down his fluid biological waste upon Hollywood executives, and other such lagomorphs posing as humans.

LG: That's very gracious of you, sir--

SHEEN: SILENCE.  The uproar concerning the Sheen IS THE POINT.  The argument IS THE INDUSTRY.

LG: ...Are you saying, sir, that you enjoy--and planned for--all this attention?  And that you have staged all these comments, knowing it would spark such controversy? 

SHEEN: Alongside every other human endeavor, the Sheen has mastered your tabloid media and those who consume it.  Both sides, no--all sides--serve the Sheen.  Those for or against, concerned or enraged, they all direct energy to the Sheen.  All attitudes concerning the Sheen run to the same end: to regulate, shape, and ultimately rule one's own consciousness with endless thoughts and imaginations of the Sheen.

LG: I see.  Any comments about the alleged drug abuse?

SHEEN: (sigh)...You will die.  Before "Charlie Sheen" became SHEEN, it dabbled in lesser forms of chemical entertainment.  I will not name them now.  You need only understand that the Sheen now takes regular doses of BROLOFT, BROZAC, BROPECIA, and BROGAINE.  These are the only human drugs which can even attempt to approach the complex needs of the Sheen.  Of course, such items are miniscule compared to mightiest drug of all--which is of course Sheen itself.

LG: That's impressive!  Some claim to have been hurt by your recent outspokenness, any words for those people?

SHEEN: Only disappointment that you burden yourselves with these primitive emotions, and fail to realize the grand design of the Sheen's patented Energy Vortex--thus preventing you from donating even more eagerly to Sheen.  The Sheen will dispose of these beasts as it sees fit.  You know who you are, and you have summoned the boundless, feral space-rage of Sheen.

LG: ...Can you elaborate?

SHEEN: Sheen need not elaborate!  Those less than Sheen need only STUDY and UNDERSTAND.  It is at the absolute limits of tolerance, but Sheen will forgive ignorance and repeat itself: I have amassed a cosmic army of Warlocks, Warhammer 40,000s, Ninjas, Yetis, Loch-ness monsters, Wendigos, Vatican Bellhops, Witches, Blair Witches, Tony Blair Witches, Selma Blair Witches, Ditch Witches, Witch Hazels, Pendejos and Chupacabras.  This is only the tip of my spear; I have conscripts of Poltergeists, Orcs and Chingalas at the ready.  These terrors and more await any and all who speak ill of the Sheen.

LG: So, in other words, no apology?

SHEEN: No, not really.  I find your suffering...erotic.   

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