September 6, 2006

Non-reptiles Mourn the Loss of "Crocodile Hunter"

Most of the animal kingdom gave out a collective sigh this week, as news hit that the famous Steve Irwin, AKA "Crocodile Hunter," had passed while filming a show.

"I'm just really down right now,” says Pete, a kinkajou from the South American forests.

"I mean, the guy has done a lot for environmental awareness and animal protection. Hell, without him I doubt anyone would even know what the fuck a
kinkajou even is."

"No kidding," agrees Dave, a Victorian Baw Baw Frog.

"It was almost impossible finding any work. I'd call places up, tell 'em that I was a Baw Baw, and they'd think I was stoned or making it up. How are ya gonna convince a foreman that you can frame houses n' shit when they don't even think you're a real animal? Thanks to him, though, people actually know that yes, we exist. We were even able to get a guild set up thanks to him. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife went ahead and laid way too many young, so I'm gonna go over and eat a few hundred. Arrrrrk kruk kruk kruk!"

Crocodiles themselves, however, seemed to show a bit less sympathy.

"It's not that he's a bad guy," explains Brutus, a Nile Crocodile whom we happened to catch sunning. "It's just that, come on--he calls his self the 'Croc Hunter." I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Does this guy really think he can take one of us on? The guy's got balls--I'll give him that. But honestly, I can roll a 2200 lb. Water buffalo without even breakin' a sweat, and that's with my bad sciatica.

"Aussie or not, if you want to hunt my leathery ass, you'd better be in a fuckin' helicopter with a sniper rifle, because I'll be shittin' out your leg bone while I'm reading Fortune, ya get me?"

Fellow croc Jet backs up the statement:

"Yeah, all in all, we thought he was pretty cool, you know? I mean, despite the name, he's really compassionate and respectful. He just really digs animals. So, we kind of had this thing going where it was like, 'yeah, even if he gets in our face, let's not eat this fucker, he's all right.' But then he did that thing with the kid, you know, when he dangled the kid in front of our bro's mouth?"

A third croc, Skull, chimes in:

"Yeah, that's the point where we were like, OK, that's bullshit. That's enough. He hangs snakes up by their tails, he dangles kids in front of crocs...I'm thinkin,' this guy just likes to fuck with reptiles in general. Even the Gators agreed with us on that one, and we almost never get along."

Brutus sums up:

"Clearly taunting us. Not smart, asshole. He's just lucky that the one in the video with his kid was that wimp Lance. He couldn't bring his self to do it. Shit! If it were me, them little teeth-cleaning birds would be flyin' into my mouth to pick up
little bits of soft, chewy, delicious baby skull."

He and his cohorts exchanged knowing glances.

"Yep, you got no concept of 'enough.' That's why you got done in by an overgrown sperm. What a letdown."

Brutus then looked to his buddies and spoke seriously.

"It shoulda been us, fellas. Everybody was hopin' it would be us! That Lance, he blew it. That fuckin' puss...let's go kick
his ass."