Area Man Not Impressed with Area

Valentine's Gift Given out of Pure
Guilt

Dolls Found "mating"

Bates Motel Renovation
Unsuccessful

Sorcerer "outsourced"

Stupid Dolphin Found

Local Bimbo Gives Potential Suitor
Fake Telephone Number, Real
Address

Autistic Dog Chases Own Head

Large Child Ridiculed

Local Consumer Torn between Diet
Cola, Seppuku

Rapper "felt"

Local Guitarist "all fucked out"

Child Actor's Mojo Officially
Inadequate

Bill Gates' Riches Despised

VJ's Sudden Death Unnoticed

Tree Saves Squirrel from Skier

Family Outing Fails to Yield
Pleasant Memories

Authorities Baffled, Cactus
"molested"

Quadriplegic Denies Steroid Use

Beach Ball Converted into "urine
bomb"

Medieval Dig Site Reveals Copies
of Wench Magazine

Frat-House Orgy Meets
Expectations Completely

Online Gamer Still ROFLMAOing after perfectly-timed WTF?

Homely Adolescent Male "too
sweet"

Nerf Bat Found Near Muppet's
Corpse

Unruly Fax Machine "schooled"

Personality Test Faked

Flatulent 12-Story Clown Ruins
Date, Levels City

Banana Used Inappropriately

Car Buyer Expresses "insanely low"
Interest

Heroin Binge Proves Quite
Rewarding

Unattractive Overeater Offended

Area Woman and Cat are Total
Pricks

Local Adult Bookstore Dreadfully
Low on Books

Shoe Salesman Realizes Position
in Life,  Leaps from Moving Cab

Trekkie Attempts "Vulcan death
grip" on Truck Driver, is Hospitalized

35-Year-old Bachelor Totally Half-
assing his Workout Regimen

Blind Man Tries to "read" Coffee
Shop Waitress

Bizarre Brawl Downtown Revels
Pen to be Much Less Mighty than
Sword

Biochemist "fucks up royally"

Platypus Tires of Constant
Ridicule, Slays Half of Forest's
Wildlife

Movie Critic's Opinion Ignored

Renegade Astronaut Literally Rides
into Sunset

Latino Community Lobbies for
Superhero Movie Franchise,
Creates "Spider-Meng"

Local Stockbroker Determined to
"amp up the whoring"

"Burnt-wick-scent" Candles Fail to
Impress

"Gyro" Mispronounced

Slam! Poet Inspires Massive Drop
in Slam! Poetry Reading Attendance

Desperate Autistic Man Eats
Cupboard, Burns Dog to Heat Home

Librarian's Digestive Tract Infested
with Bookworms

Zoologist Notes Crows not only
Smarter than Parrots, but can also
"totally kick their asses"

Tourette's Sufferer Totally Meant it

Actress's Political Opinion
Completely Scripted

Corporate Board Meeting Cut Short
by Janitor/Sniper

Elderly Woman Barely Survives
Bowel Movement

Ranch-hand "tired of the bullshit"

Animal Rights Activists Infuriated
over New Mink Boat Covers

Busted Meth Lab "actually quite
nice"

Pretzel Sticks Gradually Losing
High-School Student Market to
Rock Cocaine, Fornication

Pornographic Film Panned by
Critics Due to "lack of substance,
anal"

Print Shop Employee "about to
throttle a motherfucker"

Recent Innuendo not Picked up on

Husband Welcomes Unexplained
Deafness

Area Man Solves Transportation
and Dating Situation
Simultaneously by Purchasing
Convertible

6th-Grader not at Swing Set like
Agreed upon

Hockey Game Forsakes Scoring
Points in Favor of Blood-soaked
Free-for-all

Local Sign Cruelly Rearranged

Area Woman's Menstrual Cycle
Further Aggravated by Lack of
Readily Available Firearms

Jewelry Store Patron Can't Afford
Shit

Comic Book Convention Dreadfully
Low on Hotties

Dog and Cat Only Pretending to
Get Along for Sake of Film

Neo-Nazi Group not Pleased with
Music Awards Show

Child's Excuse Clearly Bullshit

Football Coach Surrounded by Pussies

Veteran Bully Still Waiting for "Just
Desserts"

Couple Divorces, Citing "irreconcilable
fucking of other people"

Public Speaker also quite the Exhibitionist

Smart Bomb Footage Getting Old

Mafia Safe-cracker Forced to "try it from
the inside"

Teen Health Counselor Seriously Disgusted

Area Boyfriend Hasn't Been Right Yet

Street Preacher's Diatribe Complete
Fucking Gibberish

Dumbass on TV Apparently Didn't Want to
be A Millionaire After All

Personal Trainer Nails Client

Computer Salesman Not Even Bullshitting
You about That New Processor

Actual "suck gene" Found, Named After
George Clooney

Newborn Ugly as All Get-out

Toast-shaped Pattern Found on Piece of
Christ

Cable Execs Hesitant Over "Too Hot for
Closed-circuit TV" Show

Teenage Boy "Monty Fucking Python" if
Prom Date is a Virgin

"A cold one" Apparently Too Much to Ask

Arrogant, Smarmy Attitude Sure to Get
Supervisor's Ass Kicked

Noah's Ark Found Full of Fireworks,
Contraband

Vegan Biker Chapter Flops

Customer Service Rep Not Quite Sure Why
He Even Bothers Anymore

Clown Arrested for Making "heroin balloon
animals"

Single Mother's Looks Fading Fast

Handicapped Man had been Taking
Regular Parking Spots for Years

Singer Speaks Mind, Ruins Concert

Horoscope Right about the "unexpected"
and "flame" Parts

Sex-change Operation Complete Waste of
Money, Perfectly Operational Bandsaw

Troubled Area Man Forced to Grapple with
Personal Issues, Homeless Psychotic Judo
Instructor

Infomercial the Musical Incites Massive Riot

Football Player's Use of Illegal Drugs
Confirmed by Spinning,Spiral-shaped
Pupils

Meteorite Handles Lawyer Problem Once
and for All

E-daters Meet for First Time, Sparks,
Insults Fly

Phone Call Missed on Purpose

Cushy Severance Package Negotiated
Through Tact, Animal Rage

Cheese Still Good underneath that Fuzzy
Blue Shit

Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" Surprisingly
Apropos at Post-Grammy Party

Stockholm's Syndrome Aggravated by
Alzheimer's Disease

Vehement Political Views Only Serving to
Make Man Look like Asshole

Office Nooner Foiled by Lack of Partner

Hold Music Getting Gayer by the Minute

Gazebo Completely Superfluous

Wise E-mail Anecdote Wisely Sent to
Spam Folder

Jacuzzi Way out of Local Man's Means

Gorillas' Mutual Exploding Banana Fight
Complicated by Wind, Elevation

Nerd Disturbed to Find Recent Hit Single
Entirely Meaningless

Resident "really shoulda went" to College,
Chemo

Fortune Teller Much Less Cryptic at
Gunpoint

Bread Pudding Clearly Not Made with any
Love Whatsoever

Orgasm Fakery Pulled off without Hitch

New Motorcycle Not Enough to Define
Manhood

Mayonnaise Sandwich Surprisingly Subtle,
Ghetto

Hefty Strings Found Attached to Noble
Gesture

Gaggle of Strippers Perfect Midday Bank
Heist

Bungee Jumper Hoping the Shit Breaks

Anchorman Lives up to Job Title in Freak
Boating Accident

Skunk Fur not Such a Wise Investment
after all

Human Simulation Computer Game
Complete with Angst, Societal Alienation

So-called "king of jungle" not so Tough
against White Phosphorous Grenades

Ass Flies over Teacup

Mic Check Bounces

Motivational Speaker Fools No One

Cattle Guard Equally Effective on Toddler

Blender "can't quite grasp 'margarita-
quality' ice, can it?"

Recent Air Show More like Pyrotechnics
Show

Rocket Scientists Didn't Think They would
Actually Take Their Calculations Seriously

Pint Drank Hurriedly, out of Pure Need

City-wide Zombie Attack Complicated by
Bad Acting

25-year-old Receives Bachelor's in
Sucking at Life

Chips Put into Sandwich to Save Time

Husband Ruins Date

"Wheelchair Ramp" Taken way too Literally

Sales Rep Just Can't Pretend Anymore

Software Firm Doffs Nerdy Image by
Sponsoring Village Massacre

Call Waiting Totally Fucks up Prank

Skin Graft Operation Successful, Although
Golf-cart Didn't Really Need it

Anaconda Much Stronger than Clerk
Anticipated

Rock Star's Sudden Death Surprises
Absolutely No One

Armadillo Carcass Makes Decent Bong
after All

Mechanical Bull "so not for that

More Clippings
Husband Holds Tongue on True Feelings as to not Jeopardize Sex Laptop "more like craptop" Microwave, Laziness Contribute to Shittiest Thanksgiving Dinner ever Area Woman Turns to Stripping to Cope With Past Rape Loch-Ness Monster Revealed to be Jim Morrison in Funky Suit Comic Book Store Owner Misplaces Green Lantern #6, Life Pipe Organ Yet again Voted Most Bad-ass Musical Instrument Ever Mothra's Weakness Discovered: Touch its Wings Braces but One of Many Things Keeping Boy from Getting Laid Veteran Hovering Dangerously Close to Pension Crop Circles Found on Moon: Now What, Geniuses? Cigarette Company Crosses Line with New Mascot, Danny the Average, Middle-class, Chain- Smoking 6th-Grader Dumpster "christened" Stage-diver Should have Waited until Concert Started Agent Smith Apparently Every- freakin-where TV Show That's so Canadian! Bombs Impending Fashion Suicide Halted by Actual Suicide VJ Struggles to Forget '80s Rape and Pillage Still Just as Cool as Way Back when Frigid Panda Found in Meat Locker "School of Hard Knocks" Apparently has a Good Jag-off Program Co-worker would so Have Your Ass if Unreal Tournament were Real-life Girl's Quest to be like Barbie Thwarted by Overabundance of Living Flesh Time-travelling Samurai has a Few Old-School Solutions Stray Cat Adds Unexpected Pep to Fireworks Show New "Car-less" Demolition Derby is a Success Lumber-King Opens: "we've got wood all day" Local Bachelor Might as Well Leave Milk Another Week, See what Develops High School Reunion Reaffirms Contempt, Sarcasm Local Band Thrashes Hotel Room, Vagina "Oak, My Ass" Still Area's Leading Furniture Store "Down with Porn" rally Boasts High Numbers of Fatties Tattoo Regretted Immediately Star Trek Convention Sets Phasers to "suck" Police Investigation Hampered by Excessive Red Tape, Whippets					Construction Worker Must have been Real Prick in Past Life Routine Colonoscopy Spawns Whirlwind Romance, Website Did Local Man Graduate from Chump College, or What? So-called "all encompassing" Self- Help Book Fails to Address Stealth Killing Techniques Man Declares Emotional Bankruptcy Meal Cooked Begrudgingly Corporate Strategy Predictably Sport-fucks Peon Employees Garbage Man Finds Another "rug with feet" 18-Year-old Porn Star's Hollywood Hopes Dashed Karate Instructor Breaks Bricks of Building with Car Woman Pretends not to Know Fiancée's Brother Man Given Lemons, Makes Bloody Carnage Accountant Crunches Numbers, Zoloft Student Calls in due to Authentic Mexican Diarrhea Legal Temp Just now Getting a Glimpse of Man's Great Evil New Bomb-disposal Robot can also Kick Ass at Tekken New Social Trend Metastasizes Nurse had never Seen so much Pus Man's Ashes Scattered against Side of Yacht Social Gathering Quickly Turns into Socialist Gathering Formerly Estranged Lovers Should have Stayed that Way Lamppost Achieves "Ace" Rank Today Drummer Ignored for the Last Fuckin' Time China's Super-Soldier Program Proudly MSG-free Geneva Convention: This Time We're Gonna Make it happen Pancakes Easy Enough, One would Think Car Audio Specialist Also a Great Drunk Driver New Art Exhibition Promises More, Better Feces Gimp Should have Stayed in Dungeon, Huh? Losing Streak Shows no Signs of Letting up Magician Makes Fantastic Escape from Relevance Booger Collection Equally Repugnant, Awesome "Less talk, more action" Dismissed in Favor of Exact Opposite Man of Religious Right Proves Defenseless Against Alcoholic Left Hook Certain Guitar Riffs Proven to Mix well with Domestic Violence Recent Social Study Shows: Ignorance is "the new black" Family Dog Demoted to Mutt Life Raft Anything but Shark-proof Cologne Fails to Neutralize B.O. Teacher Apparently Talking just to Hear Self Speak Screenwriter's Plot, Septum Riddled with Holes New Model Elevator Preserves   Farts 31% Longer Gay Cowboy Movie "absolutely not a documentary" Semicolon Grossly Overused Man Discovers Origin of   "Fromunda" Cheese much too late Flamethrower Fixes Rodent/House Problem "STFU" Obliterates Another E- flirting Session   Hollywood Scandal not all that Shocking, Considering High-Schooler Tells Mean Joke Corporation Finds Way to Charge People for Rain Resin Procured not a Moment too soon Veal: Damn, We are Twisted Trespasser Beaten to Death with Thai Stick Local Man Beyond Help since 1983 Woman Finds Traitor's Skull in Her Chili Study Shows Tazers Also Effective on Whiny Newborns Soup Kitchen #6 on Worst Date Locations '05 Angry Bear Soothed by Gay Porn Recent Farmer Shenanigans Redefine Phrase "somebody fucked with my burger" Hat Begs for Wearer's Ass to be Kicked Blow-up Doll Quality Assurance Inspector Doesn't Plan to Retire anytime Soon Wake up, Area Woman: He's Broke Mystery Solved: Celebrity Steals for the Sheer Outrage of it, You Dumb Working Slob Incense not Doing much for Man's Looks, Unfortunately Psychiatrist Sexually Assaulted by Means of Luge President Approves Use of Atomic Wedgie on Japanese Nerd Fast Food Mascot also Quite Fattening Clown Punching Balloon Wins Ultimate Fighting Championship "Porcupine bomb" So Wrong, Effective
Vampire Wannabe Proves Quite Vulnerable to Normal Bullets Marriage Falters Due to Lack of Adequate Communication, LSD Australian Hiker Found in Belly of SUV France Spared in Bombing Campaign Strictly for Sake of Absinthe Mona Lisa: Just a Painting, for Christ's Sake Bazooka-wielding Vigilante "just too damn cool" for Authorities to Stop Portly Celeb Writes Cookbook Monkey Successfully Copulates with Football Area Man Determined to Find an 8th Deadly Sin Pharmacist Stoned on "perks" Another Man Successfully Emasculated by Workplace Mall Kiosk Worker Heavily Considers Career Change, Cutting Baby Thoroughly Fucks Theatre Experience "Groupie Overdose" Recently Proven not Just an Expression City Celebrates Grand Opening of Knott's Peyote Farm "Minigun" Clearly not so Marriage Counselor Needs Lovin,' too Med Student Dreams of "making a difference," Arson Dog Beginning to Look like Owner's Shovel Mayor Cuts Ribbon, Preserves Mob Ties
Backseat Driver Suddenly Becomes Windshield and Dash Driver Man Confesses Partial Love with Cubic Zirconia Man Forgets to Take Sticker off of Hat Skim Milk only Doing a Body "so- so" Popular Artist Successfully Draws Blank Death-row Pooch might have been Adopted if it were "more like snoopy" S&M Session goes Horribly Right Comments Unwelcome; Peanut Gallery Becomes Shooting Gallery Young Retarded Man Misunderstands, "forks" Girlfriend Foot-tapping Fails to Accelerate Results   Douchy-lookin' Dude Totally Meant that Shit   Light Bulb goes off in Man's Head, Killing Him Instantly   Cleaning Lady Can't Scrub away the Shame   Slim Jims have Opposite Effect On Jim   Pie Violated   First Two Rules of "Fuck Lance Club" broken