Anderson Cooper Fails to Look Intense

Famous news correspondent and serious-as-hell-looking guy Anderson Cooper was struck with sheer horror this past weekend while standing in line at the grocery store and realizing that he could not make an ultra-serious face.

"I was standing there, in utter disbelief at my inability to look hardcore --and I still am," laments Cooper as he nervously gulps artesian well water in front of an Iowa landfill.

Figure 7-G. Thinking deeply on kicking some ass, the tragedy in Darfur, or perhaps just a tasty sandwich from that deli he really likes.  You can't tell.

"I've brooded in Beirut, Smouldered in Sri Lanka, and simmered in Sarajevo.  I've been dour since Dalton.  I glower from gay rumors," he added.  "It doesn't matter what I'm doing.  It could be something totally inane like eating a twinkie on someone's patio, and any passerby would see the look on my face and think that I had just witnessed genocide a second ago.  That's how red-assed hot, Goddamned intense I am."  He then takes another sip and nods thoughtfully.  "--Oh, and I squinted in Somalia."

But trouble loomed when, during a routine chore, he failed to achieve the aforementioned searing expression that seems to peer through time itself. 

Figure 38-DD.  Anderson cooper fucking HATES suffering.

"The checkout lady said, 'Oh, hello, Mr. Cooper, you look very happy and light this morning.'  I was like, Holy Shit--I do?  So the first thing I did was focus on how that god-damned mongrel of a pet dog shot steaming, flaky diarrhea all over the kitchen floor this morning.  That was bound to put the game face on.  --But nothing," he complains, shaking his head, "Nothing...So then I went a little further, to the part where I slipped in it and bashed my gourd against the countertop while skit-skat-skidoodlin' all over the place in my shorts and socks, trying to keep myself from falling completely into the poo puddle.  And still nothing!"  he cries, finishing the water, notably refusing to toss it into the pile of garbage that is literally feet behind him.

"And that is bullshit, because Anderson Cooper is intense.  Anderson Cooper is a living ejaculation of thoughtfulness.  If there really were a Superman, and he really did have laser vision, he would have to get reconstructive surgery to look exactly like Anderson Cooper because only Anerson Cooper can make a face of such immense power as to have laser beams coming out from any of its orifices or mucous membranes.  I came here to try to stoke the fire; landfills fuckin' Piss.  Me.  Off. ...I can feel a little of it coming on, but it's still out of reach.  I must have hit my head pretty damned good."  He abruptly cut the interview short by heading towards his vehicle.

"Can't focus on it now, though, I got too much shit to do.  It'll come back," he affirms with a smile. As he drives off into the distance, his head pokes out the window and he hollers proudly.

"Forgot one: pensive in Pensacola, motherfucker!"