Brutal Review of The Sixth Day.  Because you've earned it.

April 27, 2010

This is an older movie, and thus (hopefully for the rest of mankind), harder to get a hold of.  I was not as fortunate, however.

I stumbled across this DVD at a friend's house and urged that the two of us watch it.  Smartly, he had avoided seeing it in its entirety up to this point, but his luck had run out.  That day, I was torn between comitting suicide and watching a shitty movie--and I realized that since I had just purchased Powerball tickets, icing myself was out--hence this movie review.

The Code of the Film Critic demands that you highlight the good as well the bad, which can prove taxing--so in advance, I want to thank the makers of The Sixth Day for one of the easiest movie reviews I've ever had to write.  Admittedly, that last sentence might not clearly register for many of you, since the term "easy" is relative to one's awesomeness--and we're talking about someone who can pop a wheelie on a unicycle over here.

First off, the box art:

  Figure 12a.:  You hate this already.

Arnold's mug with two electric lollipops situated over his eyes.  Apparently the conceptual artist's vision was to create something that could make a person stop caring faster and more thoroughly than Cameron Diaz's opinion, and he succeeded hard. 

Second, the plot: human cloning is alive and well--although conducted in secret, and the human clones are genetically sabotaged so that they become moody and die within a few years.  This is only slightly dumber than the idea that splinters are contagious, but that's the point: to make you THINK.

Next, there are TWO Arnold Schwarzeneggers in the movie.  The only thing worse than an Arnold Schwarzenegger who is neither living tissue over a metal endoskeleton nor a platoon's last survivor in a space-lizard-jungle-massacre is TWO of them.  The idea that two Schwarzeneggers are better than one is like the idea that one kick to the balls is better than zero: if you're not careful, you'll get caught up in the math and agree to a shitty, shitty deal.

I actually saw this movie twice: once that day, and then again that very evening in my nightmares.  Let's have a quick run-down on what else makes this film such a poor alternative to suffocation:

• Helicopters that turn into jets for no real reason
• The Eddie-Murphification of Arnold Schwarzenegger (I have to mention it twice, that's how gay it is)
• Dolls that look like meat-puppets that look like robots--they talk incessantly, love you, and don't get killed nearly fast enough
• Michael Rapaport
• Not part of the movie, but just a thought: I'll be goddamned--there's no such thing as eye-soap.

If I ever have a clone, I will have him watch this movie and them kill him for it, to achieve redemption...after I send him out to buy me Powerball tickets.