Ashbath Double-header:

2 of the douchiest ad maneuvers + 2 of the greatest songs ever!

14 Feb, 2011.

This is as close to a Valentine's Day gift as anyone is going to get from me, so let's get it done!

First, we know in general that many products are crap; we basically have to be tricked into buying them.  Critical thinking and self-esteem are direct barriers to much of commerce, which spawns the need for advertisements.  I understand all that, but when it gets to the point where you get tricked into reading the ad itself, that's some top-tier commercial douchebaggery.

Example 1: 360-degree ad space.

Here's what it looks like:

Figure 36DD: it's your fault for not having drag-to-scroll on your touch-pad.

This system is basically the web-page you're trying to read, fully surrounded by one big advertisement link disguised as ambient graphics.  I still use the stone-age method of clicking somewhere on the page and using the Page keys to scroll--which, apparently to marketing execs, means that I am so dumb I am likely to purchase Pubes in a Can©.

Example 2: Bait-n-switch buttons.

Figure 1044-A: those crafty twats.

Here, they capitalize on your Internet survival instincts, which direct you to immediately click on the upper-right-hand corner of anything shitty that pops up on your screen.  Gotcha!  You just clicked it open that much harder.

Now onto the good stuff...

Song # 1: Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock.

The song begins with two flams of Jimmy Chamberlin's sublime drumming perfection.  Just having an idea of how high this guy has gotten in his life makes you hyper-aware of your own mortality, which always increases appreciation.  Guitars come in.  Sounds like mostly one note, but I'm with you...drums come in again, getting into it...

Then suddenly, guitars valiantly explode into what can only be described as a roving ball of wasp necrophilia.

Figure 8675309: well, they all dress like they want it; what do you expect?

Part of you wonders if what you are hearing is right--or even possible.  And right on time, a pre-cenobite Billy Corgan, with a voice of nasal silk, wafts into the room to assure you that all is well in the world...until you are treated to a guitar solo that was created by throwing the last surviving unicorn into a wood chipper.  If Prince knows what it sounds like when doves cry, then I know what it sounds like when harpies and gargoyles fuck, and it's all thanks to this song.

  =

Song # 2: Rollins Band - Liar

This song starts off as a lounge-sounding thing, which makes perfect sense because that is the most proper setting for Henry Rollins to tell all the women out there how he is going to fuck up their minds--and enjoy doing it.  In case it doesn't come through clearly enough in the song, it might help to know what this guy looks like:

Figure 007: Henry Rollins, King of Neck.

This man openly admits that he enjoys lifting weights for the pain, and that's because finding people to get into fist-fights with for the pain is just too much hassle--that's how much he hates all of us and everything that we stand for.  When a man tells you--no, bellows into your face--that he is going to inject nothing but distilled regret and confusion into your life for having met him, all you can do is believe him...and appreciate how he managed to blend it with supple, melting bass riffs.  Nothing says "don't ask me for shit" better than screaming "I LIE, I LIE, YEYEAHHH!"

...It would actually make a good song to give for Valentine's Day.

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