Welcome to the 1st annual, 2009 Golden Wrench Awards!!!

Low-rung yes-men, butt-snorkeling sycophants and spooge-boozing groupies have no place competing for this prize; the Golden Wrench is a prestigious and highly sought-after award that is given only to the absolute biggest and shiniest tools. 

I am talking about tools so tool-y that they are called tool-bags for emphasis because "tool" just doesn't cut it.

I'm talking about tools so tooled-out that they are angry at the band TOOL for "stealing" their organization name and insignia.

...So what kind of shit-nosed, corn-chomping, grinning, cymbal-bashing primate dorkspawn make up the eligibles?  Take a look at some of our runners-up!

• People who hang up motivational posters and mean it
• Men who wear collared pink shirts
• Kiefer Sutherland
• People who like Dane Cook, but only after he ditched the tank tops and dripping Jew-fro
• Anyone who does a testamonial for cleaning products that smell like fruit

...And the winner is...

Guys who like to brag about how their wife "wears the pants!"

What the fuck is this shit?  What kind of sub-human piece of snail-cock brags about being an inferior to other people?

"Dude, I totally get dominated at constact sports!"

"No dude man bro dude bro--get this, my girl TOTALLY fucked my brother and then dumped me.  She kicked me out of my own place and I STILL pay the lease!  SweEeeeEeeEEEeeT!  Chest bump!"

Why do guys think that this is cool?!?

"She doesn't cook or clean or anything, and if I've got a problem with that, BOOM; there's the couch, y'know what I'm saying?  Hey, hand me a Monster!"

How in the hell is a guy gonna stand there, tell me all about how he's a no-nonsense, get-shit-done, bad-ass motherfucker, brag to me about how he can kick most people's asses and how much he can bench, and then top it off with "...but when I get home, SHE'S in charge!"  How the fuck do you morons take yourselves seriously? 

A guy will vehemently refuse to admit that a cat or duckling is cute, but then boast about having smaller testicles than the female with whom he claims he is "beating it up like a mammoth."

Is there some secret contract that I don't know about, one that entitles a man to a mother-daughter wobbly-H if he says this kind of thing?  What has convinced men that this is acceptable behavior?  How is this being encouraged?!? 

This is equivalent to saying that the U.S. will purchase microchips exclusively from Japan, provided that they make it part of their culture to talk about how great it was to have a nuclear bomb dropped on them by us.  It just doesn't make any fuckin' sense! 

Wait a minute--wait--are you telling me that MEN watch shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, and they--fuck, wait--IDENTIFY with it?

...Nevermind, I get it now.