There was a news report a few years back that spoke of an unfortunate "animal-lover"
who died while trying to mate with his object of desire. Cause of death? Being on the
receiving end (dumbass), he suffered a perforated colon!

Well, DUH! A horse has like a 3-foot-long schwanz, you dipshit! Plus, horses are
damned strong, coming in, I would guess, somewhere around one horsepower. What
the hell did you think was going to happen? You're lucky he didn't nip off your carrot as
you lay bleeding through your shorts!

So now, being compelled by civic duty, I have to spend my friggin' Saturday writing this
guide on How to Copulate with a Horse so that more idiots like this guy don't wind up
dead and wrapped around Mr. Ed's meat mallet. This is ridiculous!

Step 1: Do NOT submit to the horse, it must be the other way around. Seems to me
that there are basically two approaches to this act, only one of which you survive, and
this moron picked the wrong one.

Step 2: This is the most important step, the inclusion of a kick-proof barrier between
you and the horse. A horse's kick is nothing short of catastrophic.

Now, seeing as how a horse's bowel movements consist of about 80 pounds of
billiard-ball-sized road apples, he's probably not even going to notice a slim human
pecker looking for digested hay. (He's probably got tapeworms bigger than your dong,
which leads to another reason you shouldn't bone a horse in the first place: an
unavoidable manliness complex). However, a horse is likely to kick you anyway, simply
because you're there. Horses are easily annoyed and aside from stealing the very
breath from newborn babies as they sleep, their greatest joy lies in liquefying human
organs with vicious, vicious kicks.

Also, horses have very large and sensitive noses, and there's three things that a horse
can smell a mile away:
1.) Granny Smith apples.
2.) Oats.
3.) Buggery.

So, if you think you're gonna stealthily jockey your way in between Seabiscuit's
seabiscuits, you're wrong.

Step 3: Be prepared to call for help. Even if you feel confident with your setup, you
must still take extra precautions. Horses simply cannot be trusted. Have you ever seen
a horses eyes? They're black...soulless...like a doll's eyes. Have a cell phone in hand,
with 911 dialed and your thumb on the SEND button. Be careful not to push it
accidentally as you're flailing the chaff, otherwise the police might show up in mid-stroke
and you'll have thus made an episode of COPS that could never be topped, thereby
ruining the show.

Step 4 is more of an after-effect, which is of course burning in Hell once you pass on,
you sick S.O.B.

P.S. I wasn't lying. Click here.