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The Five Manliest Moments in Cinema!

16 March 2011

Looking back at classic flicks often fills me with a sense of hope; there are still so many great movie moments out there that we can use as blueprints.  These are peeks into awesome universes—wondrous places where guys with Bieber haircuts get shot and urinated on during the opening credits and are never spoken of again.  Dimensions where saving a woman's life will actually get you laid.  In other words, Paradise!

Here are the five manliest moments ever recorded in cinema.   In case you're wondering just how manly this list is, consider this: Bruce Lee didn't make the cut, and he kills people so hard in his films that he comes.

Manliest Moment #5:  Killforce:  Telly Savalas Woos Maud Adams.

I knew that there was a God, and that He truly loved me, when I found a discarded KOJAK Season 1 Box Set, laying complete and unscathed in a trash bin.  I quickly wrapped it in swaddling clothing and took it home, unaware of the testicular revolution that was about to take place.  Kojak carries himself in a manner that few men even dare to dream of.

...Who am I kidding?  Kojak is not even a man—he is an animated, incorruptible conglomerate of quasars and gonads, compressed and sculpted into the shape of a human.  If I can say just one thing about Kojak, it's that he doesn't fuck around—EVER.  Is it even possible to pay a manlier compliment to another human being?

Even the might of Kojak Season One, however, did nothing to prepare me for the scene in the movie Killforce, in which he approaches Maud Adams and breaks down the entire universe, the space-time continuum—and his total ownership of both—in just one paragraph.  Passengers on the Titanic don't have the words to describe how wet this woman is when he's done with her.

He smash-kisses her, smacks her arm away, rips her skirt off and throws it to the side, and then just FUCKING WALKS AWAY.  He has so thoroughly conquered her, so easily, that to enjoy her in a physical sense would only reduce him to the level of mere mortals.  And he ain't havin' that.

To fully cement the fact that he has several planets orbiting his nuts, he assures her that her boyfriend will be killed shortly, and slams the door.  If you haven't seen this you are forbidden from using the words "epic," "manly" or "badass," since you clearly don't know what those words mean.

Figure 555-1212: You wish this was you.  Admit it.

Manliest Moments 4, 3, 2 and 1:  The entire movie Predator.

I hear that some idiot singer on this planet claims to be the "Lizard King?"

The movie Predator is the manliest thing, real or imagined, to ever occur.  Predator is the most important thing to happen to Cinema since the human eyeball.  Accompanied by the ballsiest orchestral soundtrack in movie history, major "Dutch" and his crew descend into the jungle on a half-baked rescue mission, and no one is ever the same again.

Here's all you need to know about the team: even the nerd is ripped.

Figure AD 2101: When Linux is not enough.

If you've been around mirrors, everyday people, and your own father your whole life, then you've never seen real men.  Here are some:

Figures 3-9: Men.

Moment #4: Assault on Guerilla Village.

Dutch and his men sneak into a camp to rescue hostages.  It begins with stealth kills, ends with knocking a woman unconscious, and contains nothing but distilled carnage in between.  Before I saw this action sequence I was a mere boy, just beginning to think about girls; by the time they packed up and left the smouldering crater they had made, I was enjoying 18-year old Scotch, Cuban cigars, and my third divorce.

This is the only part of that scene that wasn't too quick or too blurred by bullets, fireballs, and soaring bodies to capture in a screenshot:

Figure 1111101011001110: 73% of this screenshot is absolute pure manhood.

Moment #3: Billy Knows.

Old dogs know when the end is inevitable, and so does Billy.  Sure, he might have survived, had he not committed ritual suicide, but come on—this guy has already seen what the Predator can do.  He wasn't about to take a chance on getting hit by a small comet from behind, thus missing out on a legendary death.  Guys like Billy don't comfort themselves with fantasies of haggling for VA benefits in their old age.  Refusing to run any further, he throws his vest and rifle into the river below, cuts his chest with the largest combat knife ever seen, and says no to becoming a future Wal-mart greeter in the most epic manner imaginable.


Moment #2: Dutch Prepares to Confront the Predator.

The rest of his squad having been eliminated with flair and sass, Dutch realizes that this animal is taking ass-whooping to a level of profoundness unseen by man since ancient Japanese sword duels.  He knows he's the last one.  He knows this thing wants to make a chandelier out of his corpse—the only thing left in life at this point is pure caveman vendetta.  Covered in mud and brandishing an arsenal of hand-made weapons, he does what's natural:

Step One: Light a torch half your size.
Step Two: Scream like a motherfucker.
torch 3
Message to Valhalla: set the dinner table.

Moment #1: MINIGUN.

Having just stumbled over his best friend's impossible remains, Mac comes face to face with something he would never live to describe accurately.  Standing several feet from him is what looks like a human prism.  Suddenly eyes flash at him.  The apparition turns and runs away.

Eyes blazing with horror and vengeance, he unloads the contents of his machine gun without delay.  When the gun no longer fires he dumps it, throws his hat down and picks up Blain's minigun.

In the single most testosterone-filled moment of Bill Duke's (or anyone's) acting career (or life), Mac begins to grind the entire local ecosystem down into subatomic particles, taking breaths only to fuel his unintelligible primal screams.  Immediately his squadmates jump into the fray, firing a tidal wave of ordinance into the jungle.  What began as a simple rescue mission remains, to this day, as the only Armed Forces operation to make absolutely no ammuntion contributions to military surplus outlets.

Mac is left in pure disbelief of the bedlam he hath wrought:

mac attack
Figure N64: H...H-Ha...H-Happy...

The reason why the Y2K conversion was such a breeze is because technically, it had already been done; military accounting software had to be re-engineered to add extra zeroes, in order to report the ammunition expenditures for this mission.  These men have killed more trees than the Caterpillar corporation, Sonny Bono's Skiing School and Agent Orange combined.  Lumberjack suicide rates octupled after the theatrical release of Predator.

trees gone
Figure MI6: Next, we go for Hometree.

Need I explain further just how maddeningly bad-ass this film is?  Okay, here:

Jesus, man!
A woman cowers before you as you shoot.  Double Manly.