31 Jan 2011

I recently had the distinct pleasure of meeting a local up-and-comer in the MMA circuit, Denton "The Milkman" Crane.  He is scheduled for the much-anticipated bout next week against fellow fighter Robert "The Meteorologist" Jankowski.  I was given the honor of conducting the first pre-fight interview with the Milkman.  Transcript below:

LG: Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Milkman: I know.

LG: So tell me, what do you have to say about certain comments, certain things some people have said stating that MMA is on a bit of a "Pro-wrestling" trend, with flamboyant entrances, huge amounts of highly-publicized trash-talk, overt marketing, and the like?  There even appears to be an ever-growing roster of submission moves with "hip" names and--

Milkman: --Oh, I've perfected a lot of signature moves that Rob needs to be very concerned about.  I've mastered the omoplata, chromoplata, bromoplata, Shalom-o-plata, Home Alone-o-plata, and I've even got a Jim Rome-o-plata.  He's gonna get caught in at least all of those moves when we square off next week.  That's why they call me the Milkman; 'cause I'm bringin' all this shit to your front door, son!

LG: ...Right.  So would you say that MMA falls victim to the same stereotypes that other, male-dominated contact sports do; being peppered with heavy male insecurity and closeted innuendo?

Milkman: What?  Speak Earthling, man!

LG: Some people--even some sports old-schoolers--have called MMA homoerotic.

Milkman: ...

LG: ...You know, kinda "gay...ish?"

Milkman: What?!  Listen: Rob thinks he can stand and bang with me--and don't get me wrong, the dude can bang--but I am gonna out-bang him on the feet.  And then when he tries to take me down, underhooks underhooks underhooks, knees knees knees knees knees, put him in a north-south.  He's gonna try to wrap his legs around me but I'll posture up posture up posture up and then I am gonna mount him and unload on his face!  And if he tries to buck me I am gonna flip him over, take his back and make him my bitch!  Is there anything erotic about any of that?  I don't think so.  My opponent is definitely gayish, though.  Ha ha.  His signature move is the homoplata.  

LG: Great.  So what is your game plan for the fight, other than the stuff you already mentioned? 

Milkman: Retard strength!  Oh, and overcoming adversity. 

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