Local Bachelor Wins Poon through Sheer Attrition

Jake Burton, a 25-year-old bachelor, consummated his ongoing date relationship and brought it to a sexual level last
Sunday by using "good old-fashioned attrition."

"It's such a relief," sighs Burton, clearly savoring a hard-won victory.  "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a lot going for me,
and Stephanie (Miller) is such a great, classy girl," he explained.  "I saw it as an uphill battle right from the git-go, and I
knew that the age-old tactic of 'sticking to the enemy' was going to be my best bet."

Cutting off all avenues of escape and damaging opposing morale were but a few of the many techniques employed in his
quest to secure Miller's vagina.

"I had to act fast," he recounted.  "No doubt there were a few others courting this fine woman.  They could be
better-looking, more gainfully employed, smarter, funnier, or any combination of those.  I needed to be sure that I was
convenient and ever-present, you know, a force to be reckoned with."

Despite his ambition, there were indeed some setbacks.

"I almost lost her in the third week," he said.  "We had done the movie and dinner thing, and after a couple of other little
outings, I could tell her interest was flagging.  The chemistry just was not there for us."

Burton, however, refused to give up.  Calling constantly and vilifying other contenders proved no doubt useful.

"I was always in her ear," Burton confirms, "Every time I heard about some other guy she might be looking at, I always had
a convincing 'ulterior motive.'  See, I wouldn't get pissed or jealous right away; I'd be attentive and hear her out.  That's
how you get the details," he gloated, "that's how you formulate your counter attack.  This one guy, Lance, he was getting
close, but I told her a story about sons of wealthy businessmen that blew his ass out of the park.  You wanna talk about
character assassination?  I JFK'd his ass; BOOM, headshot!"

He got his true second wind while hanging out at his apartment, where he ultimately sealed the deal.

"She walked in that night, bored look on her face, and I just knew it: this was my last chance to bed her," he tells.  "This
was it, do or die time; I knew I was gonna have to win this by default.  I managed to plant the idea that perhaps I was on
the top tier of suitors, considering the fact that her thighs needed a little work."

This damaged her resistance enough to expose her for a musical coup de grace.

"I went off to get a drink, and the next thing she knows, its 'Lightning Crashes' by Live coming through my speakers at
'subliminal volume.'  Have you heard that song?  It's about childbirth and the beauty of motherhood or something fruity like
that.  I had it on a loop as I talked to her, making sure I looked all deep and shit.  That was it.  I said that I didn't know why,
but I really connected with that song and that I never thought I might end up crying in front of a woman.  She kicked down
the beave right then and there."   

Interviews with Miller herself seem to corroborate his story.

"He's pretty much a loser, but at least he's sensitive," she explained dryly.  "I was already exhausted from playing the
game, you know.  He was trying so damned hard, and I'd already wasted so much time on the guy.  I knew he was going
to really drag it out and make me have to explain it to every-damn-body if I suddenly cut him off."  She flicked her hair to
the side and ordered a cappuccino.

"Yeah, I did it, I threw the guy a pity fuck," she admitted, "and as I expected, he was lousy.  Oh well.  I consider it charity
work."

Miller went on to explain that she was not unaware of possible benefits down the road, despite her lack of interest.

"I saw a picture of his brother at his place, and that man is fine as hell.  I'm invited to a family reunion in a couple of
months, and he's definitely gonna be there.  Maybe I can make something happen."