Rule Number One: Don't Watch Transporter 2.

March 5, 2006

After stupidly, stupidly purchasing this DVD, I was compelled to write this review.

And I am not in the movie-review writing business. That's how bad it was. These memories absolutely must be burned out.

...Whiskey better bring it's A-game tonight.

The original Transporter was all right. In a goofy way, it was kind of refreshing. The
stunts and fighting were over the top, the acting was hokey, the plot silly.

--But it was all done on purpose, or so it seemed, with that kind of in-your-face, “yeah,
action films are meant to be crap” kind of vibe to it. It was all about seeing the
protagonist kick some ass; and Since Jason Statham has a cool English accent and can
Thai box, the movie didn’t need to do a whole lot else.

To sum it up as best I can, the fight scenes were cool (at the very least, somewhat
innovative), and as a whole, the movie was at least good at sucking.

With Transporter 2, it seems the goal was to not only make it suck, but to make it suck at sucking.
It literally goes down the checklist of what shitty action flicks are made of, and hits so
many of them, there’s not enough room to squeegee in even a spider fart of charm.

In this movie, you will find:

A kidnapping
A virus
A kidnapped virus
A car-bomb with blinking light
A dual-auto-pistol-wielding hottie with unlimited rounds
A car boasting complete immunity to bullets, debris, and anything within the sphere
of what those prick scientists arrogantly refer to as “physics”
Agents who set up shop in the house and, despite all their equipment and
expertise, can’t do shit to ease mom’s mind
Morsels of vaguely moral subplots
Lots of really bad CGI
Lame stunts involving vehicle commandeering
Product placement ago-go
Complete disbelief that Uwe Boll had nothing to do with this film
A new, almost transcendental level of understanding on just how much 15 dollars is
to waste
Loads more of just…aw, God…just…completely unexplainable nonsense.

As you can see, the only things missing from this film are Chuck Norris and Ludicrous
Speed. And they tried to get Chuck Norris, but he was busy making stuffed bell peppers
and couldn’t come to the phone.

This film will have you feeling like Keanu Reeves in a bookstore…totally lost.

This film actually made more sense when I played it in fast reverse while listening to
Primus.

I mean, this film had a fight scene in it, on an airplane, that looked a scene from the
movie Airplane!

2 minutes before end credits, I completely, wholeheartedly expected to see David
Carradine pop onto the screen while masturbating and command, “more cowbell!”

I can’t say much more about this film without losing all bowel control and will to live.

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